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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.